The shut-off valve broke on my money faucet

I’ve got my coffee and my laptop this morning, doing what my daughter calls “enjoining the quiet.” The girls are still asleep and I’ve been catching up on some mindless reading. I came across an article on MSN Money titled, “10 little expenses that add up fast.” I expect items such as cable movie packages, nights on the town and electric bills.  What I get is a slap in the face.

Of the 10 “little things,” my husband and I are guilty of eight, habitually. The tagline warns that these expenses blow thousands of dollars per year, and I wince, recalling our daily conversations about bank account conservation. Somehow, we attribute the fact that we are bleeding money to other unnecessary purchases, when MSN Money tactfully points out the real unnoticed “money traps.” Now I feel obligated to heed this warning, thus heightening my feelings of deprivation.

What makes the list? At number one, coffee. Seeing as how I opened this post talking about my morning java, I think it’s obvious that it’s one of my expenditures. This one is justifiable, though, as I cannot effectively start my day with a glass of water, and even if milk was caffeinated, it costs over $4 a gallon. It’s not like I buy gourmet blends or a Venti at Starbucks, which is what the article is really focused on. I’ll just have to make adjustments elsewhere. I’m not giving up my cup o’ joe.

Number two: Cigarettes. Okay, I know they’re $4 a pack and that they kill you, but what goes better with a cup of coffee in the morning? My husband has an alternate tobacco habit that also strains our budget, and he’s not keen on quitting either. Yes, we should kick the butts, thereby extending our lives and our dollars. I’ll put a check next to this one and go spend $45 on nicotine replacement aids.

Coming in at number three: Alcohol. Maybe we’d be better off if it was against our religion. Hubby’s the one breaking the bank on this one, sampling a different six-pack every other day. I think he’s aiming to be a connoisseur of the microbrews. Personally, I prefer a glass of wine with dinner. Moderation is key, and most of the time we are able to keep that in perspective. When the girls spend the night away from home, though, all bets are off. Since the article assumes the beverages are being purchased from a bar, and that we require hoity cocktails prepared by a “mixologist” who expects a tip, our purchases obviously don’t count. Most of our imbibing is done at home, with our own bottle opener and martini shaker.

The next expense on the list has made the headlines a lot lately: Bottled water. I agree with conservationists and global warming alarmists on this one. It is wasteful to buy a 20-ounce bottled water from the convenience store when you can tote your own tap water, which is really the same quality, in a reusable container. I almost never buy bottled water at the gas station. I usually buy a 20-ounce Coke, and my husband purchases at least two Mountain Dews a day. MSN Money wasn’t talking about that, so this expense doesn’t apply, right?

Finally! Number five is manicures, and I haven’t one in two years. The article estimates over $1,000 a year for weekly manicures, so I can count that money saved. I’m no princess. We avoid spending for number six, car washes, as well. That’s what rain is for. We only pay for those when the vehicles are so dirty that they’re embarrassing, or when some fool writes, “Wash me” on the tailgate.

Numbers seven and eight are weekday lunches out and vending machine purchases, respectively. While I am unemployed, I have refrained from those purchases. Of course, that savings is more than offset by my lack of income, so I don’t know if that’s saying much. Hubby still shells out for both, though he buys fast food and honey buns, and we all know that foods laden with trans fats and empty calories are far cheaper than real nutrition.

MSN gets self-righteous with its number nine pick: Credit card interest. Of course we pay exorbitant charges; if we were good at earning and saving we wouldn’t be reading this article. Short of filing bankruptcy, which would forever feed my Catholic guilt, we can’t do much about that loss at the time. If we don’t make the payments the credit companies would probably repo our kids.

The last item is the most hurtful, but it also allows me a solid “I told you” to my husband. Apparently many well-meaning people fork over high monthly charges for unused gym memberships. In an effort to boost the well-being of our family, my husband signed his life away, committing to a one-year contract with a local “health and wellness” club. At nearly twice the monthly charge estimated in the MSN Money article, we throw money away every month we don’t use the membership. I’ve never been at all and I think my husband has been twice. The saddest part is that his company reimburses over half of the membership fee if he goes just eight times a month. But we are lazy bums, just like I reminded my husband before he signed up.

This would be the part of the post where I sum up the moral of the story. Unfortunately, I’m too preoccupied with how bad my nails look. Don’t despair, I’ll go outside with my coffee, smoke a cigarette and think about it. I’m sure it will come to me. 

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Obviously, I need to make some money. If you click here and read an article about five things that kill good writing (I should know — how to kill it, I mean), I’ll earn a whole penny!